By Brent Lacy

Every church has conflict. Small churches just have it with people you see at the grocery store.

That’s what makes it hard. You can’t avoid the person you disagreed with at the board meeting. You’ll see them Sunday. You’ll see them at the diner on Tuesday. Their kids are in your children’s ministry.

This guide is for pastors who are in the middle of conflict right now, or who want to be ready when it comes.

The Most Important Thing to Know About Church Conflict

Most church conflict isn’t really about what it appears to be about.

The argument about the color of the carpet is about control. The dispute over the worship style is about belonging. The conflict with the deacon is about unmet expectations that were never clearly communicated.

Before you try to resolve a conflict, try to understand what it’s actually about. The presenting issue is rarely the real issue.

The Biblical Framework: Matthew 18

Jesus gave us a clear process for handling conflict in Matthew 18:15-17. Go directly to the person. If that doesn’t work, bring one or two witnesses. If that doesn’t work, bring it to the church. This process assumes direct, honest, private conversation as the first step, not gossip, not triangulation, not passive avoidance.

Most church conflict never gets resolved because people skip step one. They talk to everyone except the person they have a problem with.

How to Have the Hard Conversation

Most pastors avoid direct conflict conversations because they’re afraid of making things worse. That fear is understandable. But avoidance always makes things worse. It just makes them worse more slowly.

Choose the right time and place.

Not in public. Not right after a tense meeting. Not by text. In person, in private, when both parties are calm.

Start with curiosity, not accusation.

“I want to understand your perspective on what happened at the board meeting. Can you help me understand where you’re coming from?” is better than “I need to talk to you about your behavior.”

State your concern clearly.

After you’ve listened, state your concern specifically. “When you said X in the meeting, it felt like a personal attack. That’s not how I want us to treat each other.” Specific is better than general.

Agree on next steps.

Every hard conversation should end with clarity about what happens next. What will each person do differently? When will you check in again?

When Conflict Involves a Difficult Person

Not every conflict is a misunderstanding. Some churches have genuinely difficult people who create conflict repeatedly, who undermine leadership, who spread gossip, or who hold the church hostage to their preferences.

• Document specific incidents with dates and details.
• Involve your board or deacons. Don’t handle it alone.
• Follow your church’s bylaws for member discipline.
• Seek outside counsel from a denominational leader or trusted pastor.

When You Need Outside Help

Some conflicts are beyond what a pastor and board can resolve internally. Signs you need outside help: the conflict has been ongoing for more than six months, multiple families have left, the pastor is personally involved and can’t be neutral, or there are allegations of misconduct or abuse.

Your denomination likely has conflict resolution resources. Many areas also have Christian conciliation services that specialize in church conflict.

MinistryPlace has a full library of free resources for small and rural churches. No email required, no subscription, no catch.