Church Leadership
How to Handle a Difficult Church Member: A Pastoral Guide
Practical guidance for leading a small church well.
By Brent Lacy
Every small church has at least one. The person who dominates every meeting. The person who complains about everything but never helps with anything. The person who has been there for forty years and believes that gives them veto power over every decision. The person who is genuinely hurting and expresses that hurt in ways that hurt others.
Difficult church members are not a sign that you are failing as a pastor. They are a sign that you are pastoring real people. The question is not whether you will encounter them. The question is how you will handle them when you do.
The Most Common Types of Difficult Church Members
The chronic complainer
This person finds fault with everything. The music is too loud or too quiet. The sermons are too long or too short. The church is changing too fast or not fast enough. The chronic complainer is rarely satisfied and rarely constructive. Their complaints are often legitimate observations wrapped in a spirit of negativity that makes them hard to hear.
The pastoral response: Take the legitimate observations seriously. Separate the content from the tone. Ask the complainer to bring solutions, not just problems. If the complaining continues without any constructive engagement, name the pattern directly in a private conversation.
The power broker
This person has been in the church for a long time and believes that history gives them authority. They may not hold any formal leadership position, but they have informal influence that they use to block change, undermine leadership, or control decisions. In small churches, power brokers are often the reason churches do not grow.
The pastoral response: Respect their history without surrendering to their control. Engage them early in any significant decision. Be clear about who has formal authority and how decisions are made. Do not allow informal influence to override formal governance.
The wounded person who wounds others
This person is genuinely hurting. They may have experienced significant loss, trauma, or disappointment. Their pain is real. But they express it in ways that hurt others: through anger, manipulation, gossip, or withdrawal. They are simultaneously the most difficult and the most in need of pastoral care.
The pastoral response: Separate the behavior from the person. Address the behavior directly while caring for the person genuinely. Do not allow the pain to excuse the behavior, but do not allow the behavior to prevent you from caring for the pain.
The theological critic
This person disagrees with your theology, your preaching, or your interpretation of Scripture. They may be right. They may be wrong. Either way, they express their disagreement in ways that undermine your authority and create division in the congregation.
The pastoral response: Engage the theological disagreement seriously. If they are raising legitimate concerns, address them. If they are simply resistant to your leadership, name that directly. A person who disagrees with your theology is not automatically a difficult church member. A person who uses theological disagreement to undermine your leadership is.
How to Have the Hard Conversation
Most difficult church member situations require a direct, private conversation. This conversation is one of the most important pastoral skills you can develop. Here is how to do it well.
Do it in person. Never address a significant pastoral concern by text, email, or phone. In-person conversation allows you to read body language, respond to emotion, and communicate care in ways that written communication cannot.
Be specific. Do not say: you have been difficult lately. Say: in the last three board meetings, you have interrupted other members before they finished speaking. Specific behavior is addressable. Vague character assessments are not.
Listen before you conclude. There is almost always more to the story than you know. Ask questions before you make judgments. What is going on for you right now? Is there something I should know? Sometimes the difficult behavior is a symptom of something the person has not been able to say directly.
Be clear about what needs to change. The conversation should end with a clear statement of what behavior needs to change and what the consequences will be if it does not. This is not a threat. It is clarity. People cannot change behavior they do not know is a problem.
MinistryPlace has free resources for small church leaders including conflict resolution guides, board meeting templates, and pastoral care tools.
When to Involve the Board
Most difficult church member situations should be handled pastorally, not institutionally. The board should not be involved in every interpersonal conflict. But there are situations where board involvement is appropriate and necessary.
Involve the board when: the behavior involves potential legal liability (harassment, abuse, financial misconduct), when the behavior has been addressed pastorally and has not changed, when the behavior is affecting the congregation’s ability to function, or when the pastor is personally involved in the conflict and cannot be objective.
When you involve the board, document everything. Keep records of conversations, dates, and outcomes. This protects both the church and the individual.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I confront a difficult church member directly?
Yes, in most cases. Matthew 18:15 is clear: if someone sins against you, go to them privately first. Most difficult church member situations are best addressed in a direct, private, pastoral conversation before involving anyone else. The goal is restoration, not punishment.
What if the difficult church member is a major donor?
The financial contribution does not change the pastoral responsibility. A church that allows difficult behavior because of financial dependence on a donor has allowed money to corrupt its governance. Address the behavior the same way you would with any other member. If the donor leaves because of the conversation, that is a painful but sometimes necessary outcome.
When is it appropriate to ask a church member to leave?
Asking a church member to leave is a last resort, appropriate only when the behavior is causing significant harm to the congregation and has not changed after direct pastoral intervention and board involvement. It should be done with care, documentation, and a clear explanation of why the decision was made.
How do I protect myself from false accusations when dealing with a difficult church member?
Document everything. Keep records of conversations, including dates, what was said, and who was present. Never meet alone with a person who has a history of making accusations. Have a witness present for significant conversations. Inform your board chair of any significant pastoral conversations before they happen.