Every small church pastor eventually faces it: a deacon or elder who is undermining their leadership, controlling the congregation through informal power, resisting necessary change, or simply making the pastor’s life miserable. It is one of the most common and most painful challenges in small church ministry.

It is also one of the least talked about. Pastors do not want to appear weak or unable to lead. Deacons and elders do not want to be seen as the problem. So the conflict festers, the congregation senses the tension, and everyone suffers.

This guide is for the pastor who is in that situation right now and does not know what to do.

First: Understand What You Are Actually Dealing With

Not every difficult deacon or elder is the same. Before you respond, you need to understand what you are actually dealing with.

The Concerned Leader

Some leaders who appear difficult are actually raising legitimate concerns in unhelpful ways. They are worried about the direction of the church, the pastor’s decisions, or something they have observed. Their concern is valid even if their approach is not. This person needs a direct, honest conversation, not a confrontation, but a genuine dialogue about what they are seeing and what you are seeing.

The Power Broker

Some leaders have built their identity around their influence in the church. They have been there for decades. They know where the bodies are buried. They have informal authority that exceeds their formal role. When a new pastor arrives and begins to lead, they feel threatened. This is a more complex situation that requires patience, wisdom, and sometimes a willingness to let the conflict come to a head.

The Genuinely Toxic Leader

Some leaders are genuinely harmful, to the pastor, to the congregation, and to the church’s witness. They gossip, manipulate, intimidate, or undermine. They have done it to previous pastors. They will do it to the next one. This situation requires a different response than the first two.

The Biblical Framework

Matthew 18:15-17 applies here, even when the other person is a deacon or elder. Go directly to the person. Have the conversation privately. Be specific about what you have observed and how it has affected you and the congregation. Give them the opportunity to respond.

This is harder when the person has more informal power than you do. Do it anyway. A pastor who avoids direct confrontation because he is afraid of the deacon’s influence has already ceded more authority than the confrontation would cost him.

What to Say in the Direct Conversation

Be specific. Not “I feel like you undermine me” but “In the board meeting on Tuesday, you interrupted me three times and then told the congregation after the service that you disagreed with my decision. That undermines my ability to lead. I need it to stop.”

Be clear about what you need. Not just what the problem is, but what resolution looks like. “I need you to bring concerns to me directly before raising them with the congregation” is a clear, actionable request.

Be open to hearing their perspective. Sometimes what looks like undermining is a response to something the pastor has done that the leader has not felt safe to address directly. Listen. You may learn something important.

If the Direct Conversation Does Not Resolve It

If the behavior continues after a direct conversation, the Matthew 18 process continues: bring one or two witnesses, then bring it before the leadership body. This is not escalation for its own sake. It is the biblical process for addressing unresolved conflict in the church.

In a small church, this often means bringing the situation to the full board of deacons or elders. This is uncomfortable. Do it anyway. A conflict that is allowed to continue without accountability will eventually force a choice: the pastor leaves or the difficult leader leaves. Better to address it while there is still a chance of resolution.

Protecting the Congregation

While you are navigating this conflict, your primary responsibility is to the congregation. Do not let the conflict with one leader distract you from your pastoral responsibilities to everyone else. Do not recruit allies or share the conflict with members who are not part of the leadership process. Do not let the tension become visible in your preaching or your pastoral care.

The congregation will sense that something is wrong. They do not need to know the details. They need to see their pastor continuing to lead with integrity.

When It Cannot Be Resolved

Sometimes a conflict with a deacon or elder cannot be resolved. The person is unwilling to change. The behavior is genuinely harmful. The congregation is being damaged. In that case, the leadership body may need to remove the person from their role.

This is a last resort. It is also sometimes necessary. A church that cannot remove a harmful leader from a position of authority is a church that has given that leader more power than the gospel.

If you reach this point, get outside help. A trusted pastor from another church, your denomination’s regional leadership, or a Christian mediator. Do not try to navigate a formal removal process alone.