By Brent Lacy
Honoring Our Parents: The Hard Calls Nobody Talks About (2026)
Honor your father and your mother (Exodus 20:12). But what does that look like when your parent can no longer live alone?
The fifth commandment is one of the most straightforward in the Decalogue: honor your father and your mother. But the application of this commandment in the context of aging parents is one of the most complex pastoral challenges that small church families face.
What does it mean to honor a parent who has dementia and no longer recognizes you? What does it mean to honor a parent who is abusive or who has been absent? What does it mean to honor a parent when the cost of care is threatening your marriage and your family? These are the hard calls that nobody talks about.
What Honoring Parents Actually Means
The Hebrew word for honor (kabed) means to give weight to, to treat as significant. Honoring parents is not the same as obeying parents. Adult children are not obligated to obey their parents. But they are called to treat them with dignity, to take their needs seriously, and to care for them in their vulnerability.
Jesus modeled this from the cross. In John 19:26-27, even in the midst of his own suffering, Jesus made provision for his mother’s care. This is the standard: honoring parents even when it is costly.
The Hard Calls
When a parent can no longer live alone
The decision about whether a parent can continue to live independently is one of the most difficult decisions adult children face. It involves medical assessment, honest conversation with the parent, and often significant conflict among siblings. A geriatric care manager can provide professional guidance. A pastor can provide pastoral support.
When a parent needs more care than you can provide
Many adult children feel guilty about placing a parent in a care facility. But honoring a parent does not require providing all of their care personally. It requires ensuring that they receive appropriate care, that they are treated with dignity, and that they are not abandoned.
When a parent is difficult or has been absent
Honoring a parent who has been abusive, absent, or difficult is one of the hardest applications of the fifth commandment. Honoring does not mean pretending the past did not happen. It does not mean exposing yourself to ongoing harm. It means treating the parent with basic human dignity while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
When caregiving is threatening your marriage
Caregiving for aging parents is one of the most common sources of marital stress. The demands of caregiving can consume time, energy, and emotional resources that the marriage needs. Honoring your parents and honoring your marriage are not in conflict. But they require honest conversation, clear boundaries, and sometimes professional support.
Practical Guidance for Adult Children
The most important thing adult children can do for aging parents is have honest conversations early, before a crisis forces the conversation. Talk about: what the parent wants for their care, what financial resources are available, what the family’s capacity is, and what the plan is if the parent can no longer live independently.
These conversations are hard. They require honesty about mortality, about family dynamics, and about the limits of what any one person can provide. But they are far less hard than making these decisions in the middle of a crisis.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does the Bible say about caring for aging parents?
The fifth commandment calls us to honor our parents. 1 Timothy 5:8 says that anyone who does not provide for their relatives, especially their own household, has denied the faith. Jesus modeled care for his mother from the cross (John 19:26-27). The biblical call is to treat aging parents with dignity and to ensure that their needs are met, not necessarily to provide all of their care personally.
Is it wrong to place a parent in a care facility?
No. Placing a parent in a care facility can be an act of love and honor when the parent’s needs exceed what the family can safely provide at home. The question is not whether the parent is in a facility but whether they are receiving appropriate care, being treated with dignity, and being visited and supported by family.
How do you honor a parent who has been abusive or absent?
Honoring a parent who has been abusive or absent does not mean pretending the past did not happen or exposing yourself to ongoing harm. It means treating the parent with basic human dignity while maintaining appropriate boundaries. A counselor can help you handle the specific dynamics of your situation.
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