Premarital counseling is one of the most underutilized tools in small church ministry. Many pastors conduct a single pre-wedding meeting, cover the logistics of the ceremony, and call it done. Research consistently shows that couples who receive substantive premarital counseling have significantly lower divorce rates and higher marital satisfaction than those who do not.
You do not need to be a licensed counselor to provide effective premarital counseling. You need a clear structure, honest conversations, and the willingness to tell a couple things they may not want to hear.
How Many Sessions?
Four to six sessions is the standard recommendation for premarital counseling. This is enough time to cover the essential topics without overwhelming the couple. Each session should be 60-90 minutes.
If a couple is unwilling to commit to four sessions, that is itself important information. A couple who cannot invest six hours in their marriage before the wedding is a couple who may not be ready for the commitment they are making.
lower divorce rate among couples who receive premarital counseling (Journal of Family Psychology, 2023)
is the recommended minimum for effective premarital counseling
is the most commonly cited factor in both marital satisfaction and marital breakdown
What to Cover in Each Session
Session 1: Foundations, Why Are You Getting Married?
This session is about understanding the couple’s story and their motivations. Ask them to tell you how they met, what they love about each other, and why they want to get married. Listen for red flags: pressure from family, pregnancy, financial desperation, or a desire to escape a difficult home situation.
Also cover: their understanding of marriage as a covenant, their faith backgrounds, and their expectations for the role of faith in their marriage.
Session 2: Communication and Conflict
Communication is the most important skill in marriage and the one most couples have never been taught. Cover: how they currently handle disagreements, what their conflict patterns look like, how they express needs and frustrations, and what they learned about conflict from their families of origin.
Use a simple exercise: ask each person to describe a recent conflict and how it was resolved. The way they describe it tells you more than any assessment tool.
Session 3: Family of Origin and Expectations
Every person brings their family of origin into their marriage. Cover: what their families modeled about marriage, what expectations they are bringing into the marriage that they have never articulated, and how they plan to navigate relationships with in-laws and extended family.
Most marital conflict is rooted in unmet expectations that were never communicated. Ask each person: “What do you expect your spouse to do that you have never told them?” The answers are often surprising to both partners.
Session 4: Finances
Money is one of the leading causes of marital conflict. Cover: their current financial situations (including debt), how they plan to manage money together, who will handle the finances, how they will make major financial decisions, and their attitudes toward saving, spending, and giving.
If either partner has significant debt, this needs to be disclosed and discussed before the wedding. Financial secrets are a serious threat to marital trust.
Session 5: Intimacy and Sexuality
This is the session most pastors avoid and the one couples most need. Cover: their expectations for physical intimacy, any history of sexual trauma or abuse that may affect the marriage, their understanding of biblical sexuality, and how they will navigate differences in desire and expectation.
This conversation does not need to be graphic. It needs to be honest. A couple who has never talked about sex before the wedding is a couple who will struggle with it after.
Session 6: The Wedding and the Marriage
The final session covers the ceremony itself and the transition into marriage. Cover: the vows and what they mean, the first year of marriage and what to expect, how they will invest in their marriage over time, and what they will do when they need help.
End with prayer over the couple and a clear statement of your commitment to support their marriage.
When to Decline to Officiate
Not every couple who asks you to officiate their wedding should be married. You have the right and the responsibility to decline when:
- One or both partners are not genuinely committed to the marriage
- There is evidence of abuse or coercion
- One or both partners are unwilling to engage honestly in premarital counseling
- The couple’s theological commitments are incompatible with your church’s understanding of marriage
Declining to officiate is one of the hardest things a pastor does. It is also one of the most important. A wedding you should not have performed is a marriage you will be called to help repair.
Resources for Premarital Counseling
- Prepare/Enrich, the most widely used premarital assessment tool, available at prepare-enrich.com. Requires certification but is worth the investment.
- Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Les and Leslie Parrott, a solid workbook-based resource for couples.
- The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller, excellent theological foundation for the counseling conversations.
Tell every couple who asks you to officiate their wedding: “I require four sessions of premarital counseling before I will perform a wedding ceremony.” Most couples will agree. The ones who do not are telling you something important.