By Brent Lacy
In most small churches, women outnumber men in the pew by a significant margin. This is not a new problem. Research on church attendance has documented the gender gap for decades. But in a small church, where every person matters and every absence is noticed, the loss of men from the congregation has an outsized impact.
Why Men Disengage
Understanding why men leave is the first step toward reaching them. The research points to several consistent patterns.
The Church Feels Passive
Men are wired for action and challenge. A church culture that asks men to sit, listen, and feel is not a culture that holds men. Men stay in communities where they are asked to do something hard and meaningful. When Sunday morning is the only touchpoint, and it is entirely passive, men gradually drift.
, Adapted from research by David Murrow, author of Why Men Hate Going to Church
The Relationships Are Shallow
Men form friendships through shared activity, not through conversation about feelings. A church that offers only Sunday morning and a men’s breakfast where everyone talks about the weather is not offering men what they need to form genuine community. Men need to work alongside other men, struggle together, and build something together.
The Church Does Not Speak to Their Real Lives
Work, finances, marriage, fatherhood, failure, purpose. These are the things men are wrestling with. A church that addresses these things honestly and practically will hold men. A church that does not will lose them. Sermons that stay in the abstract, that never touch the ground of daily life, will not hold a man who is trying to figure out how to provide for his family or how to be a better husband.
What Actually Works
The good news is that small churches have natural advantages when it comes to reaching men. You are not trying to build a program. You are trying to build a community. That is what men are looking for.
Give Men Something to Do
Facilities projects, service opportunities, mentoring younger men, leading in the community. Men who are serving are men who are engaged. Do not wait for men to show up and then figure out how to involve them. Start with the work and let the relationships form around it.
Create Honest Conversation
Not a men’s breakfast where everyone performs fine. A small group of men who meet regularly and are honest about their struggles. This is rare and valuable. The church that creates space for men to be real with each other will hold men that no program could reach.
Preach to Their Real Lives
Address work, money, marriage, and fatherhood from the pulpit. Not as moral lectures but as honest engagement with the things men actually face. When a man hears a sermon that speaks to the thing he is actually dealing with on Monday morning, he listens. And he comes back.
Sources
- Pew Research Center, “Religious Composition of the United States” (2024)
- Barna Group, “Men Are Leaving the Church, Here Is Why”
- Barna Group, “The State of the Church 2024”
Frequently Asked Questions
What if our church is too small for a men’s ministry program?
You do not need a program. You need two or three men who are willing to be honest with each other. A men’s ministry in a small church might be three guys who meet at a diner on Tuesday morning. That is enough. The goal is not an event. The goal is genuine community.
How do we reach men who have never been to church?
Meet them where they are. Service projects, community events, work days. Many men who would never walk into a church building will show up to help a neighbor. That is your opening. Do not make the first invitation about church. Make it about doing something useful together.
What about men who left because of hurt or conflict?
This is common in small churches where everyone knows everyone. The path back is usually through a personal relationship, not a program. One person reaching out, without pressure, without an agenda, just to say “I have been thinking about you.” That is often enough to open the door.
Should we change our worship style to attract men?
No. Men are not leaving because of the music. They are leaving because they do not feel needed, they do not have genuine friendships, and the church does not speak to their real lives. Fix those things and men will come. And they will bring their families.
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